I hope they show events without Aussies in it, so we can get some relativity and balance, like they use to. That should be easier with an winter event.
Now, now; you're forgetting our unique culture - the following commentary terms apply.
We. Reference by commentators to Straya; a Southern Hemisphere nation girt by sea.
Major Event. Has at least one Strayan in it.
The One We’ve All Been Waiting For. There’s a Strayan in it who’s considered some chance of winning.
In Other Olympic Action Today. Fleeting summary, sans footage, of events with no Strayans in them.
Medal Glory. Bronze to Straya.
Dazzling Performance. Silver to Straya. . . see also “Cruelly Denied.”
Historic Triumph. Gold to Straya.
Off to the Equestrian Venue. Television Industry euphemism for an entire nation asleep in their armchairs.
Spectacular Pageantry. Official euphemism for Opening Ceremony, an event consisting of hours of athletes and fat officials walking in circles wearing bizarre outfits, occasionally interrupted by fireworks and people dancing in only slightly less bizarre outfits.
Olympic Oath. Declaration at opening ceremony, apparently written by someone who hasn’t seen an Olympics in 60 years.
Olympic Village. Elaborate, expensive architectural installation built to house athletes, faulty plumbing and hundreds of thousands of condoms, prior to immediately reverting to abandoned wasteland or slum at conclusion of event.
Gymnastics. Somersaults.
Synchronised Swimming. Water somersaults.
Diving. Somersaults conducted in air prior to entering water.
Water Polo. Sport which if, strangely, were conducted on land, would be handball rather than polo and would also be more interesting, more violent, and more interestingly violent.
PB. (1) Peanut Butter. (2) “Personal Best”, something seemingly recorded by every second person at the Olympics outside of the ice cream vendors and timekeepers; specifically a term often utilised by TV to describe Strayans who have avoided Medal Glory.
The Fifth Major. Term used in desperation by commentators at tennis and golf to camouflage the fact that these two sports are included in the program as a result of a clerical error.
Hockey. Sport of immense importance every four years when Strayans can win Olympic medals at it.
Medal Tally. How you can tell which country won the Olympics.
Strayan Medal Tally. Figures which, adjusted for population, sporting values and shining inner qualities, denote which country really won the Olympics.